Broken Pieces of Me
There was a time when writing was my outlet. It was my therapy for all I had experienced and the experiences I was experiencing. Dating woes. Family issues. Career evolution. Friendship ups and downs. Just a lot of stuff.
Once I found "my one" I stopped blogging. I stopped writing about life. Essentially, I stopped therapy. I thought I made it. Finally met the man of my dreams -- a man who loved me like no other and wanted to build a life with me. Career was going well. My friendships were growing in the most organic of ways. Life was good. I had MADE IT!!
That was six years ago.
I got married. Started having issues in the marriage. I didn't blog.
I got pregnant. Had a child. Marital issues were getting worse. I didn't blog.
April 2016 came. My husband and I fought. He moved out. I lost my grandfather. I didn't blog.
March 2017. I found out I was pregnant again. Husband was still living outside of the home. I went through that pregnancy alone. I didn't blog.
May 2018. Still separated. Raising two sons alone. I filed for divorce. I didn't blog.
June 2018. Kate Spade, one of my favorite designers, committed suicide. Why? Because her husband told her he wanted a divorce.
Following Spade's death, I decided to start back blogging on June 6, 2018. Why? Because I know how she felt. I know how the ending of a relationship can make you feel. Despite all of the good in life -- kids, career, etc. a divorce makes you feel less than, thrown away, unwanted. As if your worth was wrapped up in the title of wife.
I don't want to end up like Kate Spade. But, there have been many days when I have thought I couldn't make it. Raising kids was hard. The emotions wrapped up in divorce was hard. My finances were crap. So many thoughts. So many sleepless nights. Doing it all alone.
During this time, I also thought about what my mother said to me before she died -- you will be someone in this world. I think about Christ dying on the cross for me ... HE.DIED.FOR.ME! I think about my sons. I think about the talent and potential that I have as a woman and writer. I think about ... so much stuff, all the time.
And I cry. I get angry. I get lost in my pain -- and, trust me, the pain is great. And I finally realize how my mother felt when she left my father.
I loved my husband so very much. I wasn't a perfect wife and he wasn't a perfect husband. He hurt me. I hurt him. He was abusive. I was abusive. But, we both vowed to ride this thing out -- for better or for worse. In the end, I was the only one who was willing to fight for US. He quit. He quit on me. He quit on our sons. He quit on our family. He tossed us aside as if we were disposable. Do you know how that can make one feel?
So, yeah, I wanted to quit, too. To give up. What's the damn point? Then, I had people pour into me. Folks who reminded me that I am not my mistakes. People who told me that I am not defined by my relationship status. Those who explained that God still loves me and I have worth! And because of those words I am still here standing on God's promises for me and my sons.
It's not an easy walk to walk. And I can empathize with Kate Spade. I was there. I am there some days. But, I'm trying to put my broken pieces back together. To be whole again. To be ME again.
This journey won't be easy. It won't be over in a day. I fell in love. We were together for a long time. We created beautiful memories together. We created LIVES together. It was WE and now it's back to ME.
One thing about ME that I am re-learning is that I do not back down from a challenge. I didn't back down from the issues in our marriage. I fought for my marriage. And, now, it is time for ME to fight for ME.
Please bear with me. I'm a work in progress. But, at least I am working ...
Once I found "my one" I stopped blogging. I stopped writing about life. Essentially, I stopped therapy. I thought I made it. Finally met the man of my dreams -- a man who loved me like no other and wanted to build a life with me. Career was going well. My friendships were growing in the most organic of ways. Life was good. I had MADE IT!!
That was six years ago.
I got married. Started having issues in the marriage. I didn't blog.
I got pregnant. Had a child. Marital issues were getting worse. I didn't blog.
April 2016 came. My husband and I fought. He moved out. I lost my grandfather. I didn't blog.
March 2017. I found out I was pregnant again. Husband was still living outside of the home. I went through that pregnancy alone. I didn't blog.
May 2018. Still separated. Raising two sons alone. I filed for divorce. I didn't blog.
June 2018. Kate Spade, one of my favorite designers, committed suicide. Why? Because her husband told her he wanted a divorce.
Following Spade's death, I decided to start back blogging on June 6, 2018. Why? Because I know how she felt. I know how the ending of a relationship can make you feel. Despite all of the good in life -- kids, career, etc. a divorce makes you feel less than, thrown away, unwanted. As if your worth was wrapped up in the title of wife.
I don't want to end up like Kate Spade. But, there have been many days when I have thought I couldn't make it. Raising kids was hard. The emotions wrapped up in divorce was hard. My finances were crap. So many thoughts. So many sleepless nights. Doing it all alone.
During this time, I also thought about what my mother said to me before she died -- you will be someone in this world. I think about Christ dying on the cross for me ... HE.DIED.FOR.ME! I think about my sons. I think about the talent and potential that I have as a woman and writer. I think about ... so much stuff, all the time.
And I cry. I get angry. I get lost in my pain -- and, trust me, the pain is great. And I finally realize how my mother felt when she left my father.
I loved my husband so very much. I wasn't a perfect wife and he wasn't a perfect husband. He hurt me. I hurt him. He was abusive. I was abusive. But, we both vowed to ride this thing out -- for better or for worse. In the end, I was the only one who was willing to fight for US. He quit. He quit on me. He quit on our sons. He quit on our family. He tossed us aside as if we were disposable. Do you know how that can make one feel?
So, yeah, I wanted to quit, too. To give up. What's the damn point? Then, I had people pour into me. Folks who reminded me that I am not my mistakes. People who told me that I am not defined by my relationship status. Those who explained that God still loves me and I have worth! And because of those words I am still here standing on God's promises for me and my sons.
It's not an easy walk to walk. And I can empathize with Kate Spade. I was there. I am there some days. But, I'm trying to put my broken pieces back together. To be whole again. To be ME again.
This journey won't be easy. It won't be over in a day. I fell in love. We were together for a long time. We created beautiful memories together. We created LIVES together. It was WE and now it's back to ME.
One thing about ME that I am re-learning is that I do not back down from a challenge. I didn't back down from the issues in our marriage. I fought for my marriage. And, now, it is time for ME to fight for ME.
Please bear with me. I'm a work in progress. But, at least I am working ...
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